Should You Stay Together for the Kids?

There's no clear and easy answer to the age-old question of whether you should stay in a troubled relationship for the sake of the kids. It's important to figure out whether the children would be better off in a home where their parents are unhappy together or in two homes where parents are happier but not together.

Here's what to know if you're considering staying together just for the kids.

Risks of Staying Together for the Kids

Parenting experts point to several negative effects on children raised in families characterized by frequent anger, frustration, and pain. At the top of the list is that kids learn dysfunctional relationship skills that they may carry into their own relationships, as well as dysfunctional parenting skills that they may carry on to the next generation.

Research also shows that children may lead less successful lives as adults when they are raised in a home with constant conflict, stress, and unhappiness. One study notes that children of married parents with high levels of conflict are "no better off" and "may fare worse in some respects" than children of single parents.

In addition, children who grow up in high-conflict families can have difficulty:

• Developing positive self-esteem
• Forming and maintaining relationships
• Managing emotions
  
• Trusting others

Another risk of staying in a bad relationship or marriage just for the kids is that children may be at risk of neglect when their parents are preoccupied with their own issues. Neglect can be physical, such as not providing healthy meals or avoiding parenting duties. It can also be emotional, such as when parents won't attend important events together for their child or a parent is unwilling or unable to comfort their child due to their own emotional stress.

Benefits of Staying Together for the Kids

In years past, parenting experts advised married couples to stay together regardless of the quality of their relationship. While that advice has changed somewhat based on newer research, parental divorce does involve significant risks for children. For example, research shows that children of divorced parents are more likely to engage in risky behavior, live in poverty, and live in an unstable family.

If, on the other hand, parents can remain civil and work together to parent, even if they are sad or lonely, and avoid exposing the children to conflicts, co-parenting under the same roof may be feasible. But while parenting inherently requires sacrificing your own desires for the needs of your children, effectively and lovingly parenting children while living in a miserable marriage can be too big an ask.

Making the Decision To Stay Together for the Kids or Divorce

There are many factors to consider when making a decision about divorce. Here are a few questions to ask yourself.

Is there abuse?

Parenting experts agree that children should not be kept in a situation where there is ​abuse of any kind. If a child is living with a parent who is abusing them sexually, physically, or emotionally, divorce is absolutely necessary.

The same can be said if the abuse is directed from one parent to the other rather than the kids. Spousal abuse including physical, verbal, emotional, and financial abuse also warrants a reevaluation of the relationship. Mistreatment between parents is damaging not only to the parent being abused but also to the children who witness it.

While abusive behavior can be changed and corrected, these changes are infrequent and uncommon. But when abusive behavior continues, it is your responsibility to protect your children from abuse. Kids who are raised in abusive homes often perpetuate the same dysfunctional behaviors they witnessed growing up.

Can you cooperate as co-parents?

One of the key issues when determining the fate of a marriage is whether the parents can agree to put their personal relationship satisfaction on hold for the children's sake. This is a tall order and not always possible, but it's worth exploring before making a final decision.

If spouses can co-parent positively and keep their personal differences at bay for the sake of the kids, their children may have an advantage if their parents stay together. If not, the kids may be better served through an amicable divorce.

Can your relationship be repaired?

Perhaps the most critical question is whether the relationship has deteriorated to the point of being irreparable. Have you sought guidance and support from a couples counselor or family therapist? Have you followed trusted advice? Has there been infidelity? Have there been efforts made to rebuild trust?

Unless there is abuse, it's important to make a good-faith effort to repair the relationship prior to divorcing and enduring the stress that divorce creates. Whether the spouses are willing and able to make that effort to rebuild their marriage for the sake of the children is an important question.

When Divorce Becomes Inevitable

The key challenge when parents divorce is making sure that both parents can work together to co-parent effectively. The nature of the divorce and the parents' relationship afterward are prime factors in how kids fare in the years to come. If the parents can communicate, show respect for one another, and place the kids' best interests above their own when making decisions, children can do remarkably well after divorce.

If divorce is the path you decide to take, there are many resources available to help you navigate the process and create a new life for you and your children. Your family needs to have hope for a positive future—whether that's in one home or two.