10 Surprising Reasons Why Kids Misbehave (And How to Respond)

Kids use their behavior to show how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. All behavior is a form of communication, and oftentimes, they’re communicating something through their behavior that they can’t necessarily verbalize, which can lead to misbehavior. When determining how to effectively respond in these moments, consider why your kid misbehaves and try to find the possible underlying motivation for their challenging behavior.

Here we'll break down ten surprising reasons why kids misbehave and how you can best navigate each one.

They Want Attention or Are Seeking a Connection

Kids can feel left out when parents talk on the phone, visit with friends or family, or are otherwise occupied. Communicating this feeling by throwing a tantrum, whining, or hitting a sibling can often be an effective way to attract attention.

Even if it’s negative attention, kids still crave it, because to a child, attention is attention, whether it's positive or negative.As long as no one is being harmed, ignoring negative behavior and praising their positive choices is one of the most effective ways to manage and minimize attention-seeking behaviors.

Kids Imitate Misbehavior

Kids learn how to behave by watching others. Whether they see a peer at school misbehaving or copy something they’ve seen on TV, kids tend to repeat what they see.

Limit your child's exposure to aggressive behavior in media and real life. Role-modeling healthy behaviors and helpful choices can teach your child which behaviors are most appropriate in various situations.

To Test Limits

When you’ve established rules and told kids what they’re not allowed to do, they often want to see if you’re serious. Testing limits is a healthy part of a child's social and emotional development, and it's common for them to test limits as a way to find out what will happen if they break the rules.

Set clear limits and offer consequences consistently. If kids think there’s a small chance they may be able to get away with something, they’re often tempted to try it. If there's an undesirable natural or logical consequence clearly connected to their choice to break a rule, they’ll likely become less motivated to ignore your boundaries and limits.

They Lack Skills

Sometimes, behavior problems stem from a lack of skills. A child who lacks age-appropriate social skills or communication skills may hit another child because they want to play with a toy. A child who lacks problem-solving skills may not clean their room because they aren't sure what to do when the toys don’t fit in the toy box.

When your child misbehaves, teach them what to do instead instead of just giving a consequence. Show them alternatives to misbehavior so they can learn from their mistakes.

To Show Their Independence

As preschoolers learn to do more things independently, they often want to show off their new skills. Tweens are also known for their attempts to be independent, while teens may become rebellious in an attempt to show adults that they can think for themselves.

Give your child opportunities to make appropriate choices. Ask your preschooler, "Do you want water or milk to drink?" Tell your teenager, "It's up to you to decide when you do your chores. And as soon as your chores are done, you can use your electronics." Giving age-appropriate freedom is one way to meet your child's need to be independent.

They Have Big Emotions

Sometimes, kids have no idea what to do about their feelings. They may become easily overwhelmed when angry, and as a result, they may become aggressive. They may even act out when they feel excited, stressed, or bored.

Kids benefit from learning healthy ways of moving through feelings such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anxiety. It's helpful for parents and caregivers to teach kids about feelings and to show them healthy ways of coping with a range of emotions.

When kids have more awareness of different emotions and the tools to handle them, they're better able to use healthy coping skills when they experience big feelings.

They Have Unmet Needs

Misbehavior often ensues when a child feels hungry, tired, or ill. Most toddlers and preschoolers aren’t good at communicating what they need, so they often use their behavior to show that they have unmet needs.

Being proactive can be supportive for kids, and parents can do this by looking out for unmet needs. Tune in to your child's emotions, ask them how they're feeling, and be responsive to their cues that communicate there's something that they need that they aren't getting yet.

To Exert Power and Control

A need for power and control often contributes to misbehavior. Sometimes, defiant and argumentative behavior results when a child attempts to assert control.

When behavior problems result from a child’s attempt to control a situation, a power struggle may ensue. One way to avoid this is to offer a child two choices. For example, ask, “Would you rather clean your room now or after this TV show is over?” This can reduce many arguments and increase the likelihood that a child will comply with instructions.

They've Learned Misbehavior

One of the simplest reasons children misbehave is because it is effective. If breaking the rules gets them what they want, they’ll quickly learn that misbehavior works.

For example, a child who whines until their parents give in will learn that whining is a great way to get whatever they want. Or when a child throws a temper tantrum in a store, and their parent buys them a toy to get them to stop screaming, they learn that temper tantrums are effective.

Make sure that your child's misbehavior isn't serving them well. While giving in or backing down may make your life easier in the moment, you'll ultimately be teaching your child that there are benefits to behaving in an unhelpful or inappropriate way.

They Have Underlying Mental Health Issues

Sometimes, children have underlying mental health issues or neurodivergence that contribute to behavior problems. For example, kids with ADHD or other forms of neurodiversity, can struggle to follow directions and have a tendency to behave more impulsively than their neurotypical peers.

If you suspect your child may have an underlying mental health issue or developmental disorder, talk to your child’s pediatrician. An evaluation by a licensed mental health professional may be necessary to determine if any underlying emotional issues or developmental differences are contributing to their behavioral challenges.