How to Deal With the 'Terrible Twos'

The "terrible twos" refers to a normal stage in a child's development in which a toddler can regularly bounce between reliance on adults and a newly burgeoning desire for independence. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the terrible twos are characterized by increased physical activity, more expressive emotions, mood swings, and temper tantrums.

Although parents often expect the terrible twos to occur around a child's second birthday, the behavior that's typical of this stage often begins around 18 months and can last until age 4.

While the phrase "terrible twos" sounds awful, not every moment of parenting a 2-year-old is dreadful. Having the right attitude and information can make navigating the hard parts of the terrible twos easier.

Learn more about the terrible twos from experts in the field as they offer tips for getting through this phase with grace, know-how, and a healthy perspective.

What Are the Terrible Twos?

"The 'terrible twos' is a term used to describe the sometimes challenging behaviors of kids around the age of 2," says Ali Alhassani, MD, pediatrician and head of clinical at Summer Health. Authors of a research paper published in Developmental Science explain that the toddler years are characterized by "externalizing behaviors," such as expressive temper tantrums, physical aggression, and frequent non-compliance.

The reason that people often describe toddlerhood as the "terrible twos" is that it marks a time in a child's life when they are developing a desire for independence, new physical abilities, and a growing will, but their emotional and brain development isn't fully developed yet. This situation can lead to lots of frustration that's expressed outwardly.

According to Dr. Alhassani, the term "terrible twos" has been used since the 1950s or so. It generally describes a toddler who says "no" frequently, tends to challenge authority (i.e., their parents and caregivers), and has frequent mood swings, he says.

Oh, and don't forget about tantrums. Kids in the throes of the terrible twos tend to throw tantrums "at the drop of the hat," Dr. Alhassani describes. However loud and disruptive a 2-year-old's behavior can sometimes be, parents should be aware that this is a developmentally normal phase, he adds.

"Parents may be annoyed to hear this, but this is normal, healthy behavior for a child whose brain is rapidly developing," explains Dr. Alhassani. "They are learning to express their desires but still lack the ability to have patience and emotional regulation."

He also notes there is a wide range of what the "terrible twos" can look like. Some toddlers will display more behavior changes, while others may not change their behavior as drastically.

When Do the Terrible Twos Start?

The terrible twos tend to hit hardest around the age of 2, but there are no hard and fast rules. Some children are early bloomers while others come into their fussy, obstinate phase a little later.

"While there are some early birds who may begin to demonstrate terrible two behaviors prior to 2 years (18 months+), most children begin to exhibit increased emotional instability, outbursts, and oppositionality between the ages of 2 and 3 years," says Jennifer Weber, PsyD, director of PM Behavioral Health for PM Pediatric Care.

Of note, Dr. Weber says that it's also common for kids to develop terrible two behaviors after they turn 3. This can be an unwelcome surprise to parents who thought they were well and done with this phase. "When it manifests a bit later, it is often due to the demands of toileting, preschool/daycare, and social constraints they are struggling to adjust to," Dr. Weber explains.

Signs of the Terrible Twos

So how do you know your child has entered the dreaded terrible twos? Here are some common characteristics of the terrible twos:

• Saying "no" more often. One classic sign is that your toddler will frequently refuse to do things you ask them to do, says Dr. Alhassani. "Your toddler will frequently say 'no' to things like getting dressed, eating, and going to sleep (often called a sleep regression)," he describes.
• More temper tantrums. Your child will also begin to throw tantrums over seemingly small grievances, Dr. Alhassani adds.
• Increased defiance. You might also notice your child deliberately not following their normal routine, Dr. Weber explains.
• Aggressive behavior. The terrible twos may also usher in new and seemingly aggressive behavior such as biting, throwing objects, and destroying toys, Dr. Weber adds.

Additional behavioral patterns to look out for include mood swings, screaming or yelling, kicking or spitting, and fighting (with siblings or friends) more than usual. While these types of behaviors are common in the terrible twos, that doesn't mean your child will display all of them. Every child is different, and your child may show some of them or try out different behaviors at certain stages of their toddlerhood.

How To Deal With the Terrible Twos

It's normal to feel distressed about your toddlers' new and sometimes explosive behaviors, but there is hope. Here are some expert tips for disciplining a 2-year-old.

Adjust your expectations

Having realistic expectations about what 2-year-olds are like and what you should expect of them in terms of behavior can go a long way. Just because your child now knows how to walk, talk, and feed themselves doesn't mean they are ready for high-level instructions, says Dr. Alhassani. So cut your toddler—and yourself—some slack.

When in doubt, distract

Research shows that distracting your toddler is actually a very effective strategy you can use during a tantrum. The key thing to remember is that your child is tantruming as a result of where they are in their development, so reasoning with them may not work. But distraction can help both of you cope until they eventually develop better impulse control and coping skills.

Keep snacks handy

Try to avoid outings when children are hungry or will soon need to eat. If you must be out with your child during a typical mealtime or snack time, pack food or plan ahead to find a place to order a bite that's not far from your destination.

Have a behavior plan

That being said, Dr. Weber still suggests having a clear plan to reward positive behavior and address any off-task behavior. Every parent is different, but this may involve removing your child from situations that are unsafe or disruptive and/or implementing time-outs.

Rewarding positive behavior may include praising your child consistently when they behave well. All of this will teach your child which behaviors are acceptable and which aren't. This also gives your child plenty of opportunities to learn to emotionally regulate.

Provide a childproofed environment

You won't need to take a treat or fragile object away from a 2-year-old—or deal with an ensuing meltdown—if these items are out of reach. Providing a toddler with a safe environment helps to ensure that meltdowns don't have lasting consequences.

Set up consistent routines

It can be super helpful to pre-empt any negative behaviors, says Brianna Leonhard, founder of Third Row Adventures, certified teacher, and board-certified behavior analyst (BCBA). "Parents can help manage terrible twos by setting up routines in advance before tantrums begin," she says.

This may involve consistent responses to unwanted behaviors and consistent positive affirmations for good behavior. Creating predictable, persistent routines around daily activities and naps/sleep can also reduce anxiety and decrease tantrums, says Leonhard.

Give your child two choices

Leonhard is a fan of giving your child choices whenever possible. "Parents can provide two choices to toddlers to give them a sense of authority while still maintaining parental control," she says.

For example, during snack time, you can offer your child a banana or an apple. "The toddler is given a choice and can take ownership in their snack, but the choices presented are both acceptable options for the parent," she describes.

Help your child find their 'calm body'

Dr. Weber says that, young as they may be, even 2-year-olds can learn calming techniques to deal with "big" feelings. Start early by helping kids develop skills like deep breathing and finding their "calm body," Dr. Weber says. Teach these skills when your child is not in tantrum mode so that, when they are, they will be able to draw on those skills and use them.

For example, if your child is beginning to become dysregulated, you might be able to point out that their body doesn't seem calm, which should remind them to use previously learned techniques for calming down.

According to Weber, you can say something like, "Honey, your body is not calm. You are crying so hard. We are going to step into the other room and I am going to wait for you to have a calm body before we continue playing." Praise any attempts your child makes to calm themselves. With time, they will get better at doing so.

Be calm and patient

When your child is bringing you to the edge of anger, take a moment for some belly breathing: Sit down and breathe deeply at least three times with your hand on your stomach, focusing on the rise and fall of your belly. See if it helps you approach your child's troublesome behavior with more calm and empathy.

If you lose your cool, focus on how you might better meet a terrible twos moment next time. This stage is hard for parents, too! Navigating it requires practice and patience with your child and yourself.

Strategies for Dealing With a Tantrum

Temper tantrums are the hallmark of the terrible twos. If your child pitches one, the most important first step is remaining calm. Unlike older children, who may cause a scene to challenge authority, a 2-year-old is simply enacting behaviors that they think could get a response. Responding to yelling or hitting in kind only communicates to your child that aggression is an acceptable means of communication and can make a temper tantrum worse.

Instead, if confronted with a tantrum, try some of these strategies:

• Try to redirect your child's attention elsewhere, such as an object out the window, a storybook, or a task they can help with.
• If you can't distract them, ignore the behavior. Children of this age won't recognize this as a parental strategy. Instead, it will communicate that this form of behavior will not get the response that they want.
• Don't reward the behavior by giving your child a treat or something that they are demanding.
• If you are in public, take them aside without discussion or fuss and wait until they have calmed down. If you behave differently in public than you do in private, your child will sense this and it can become a battle of wills.
• While time outs are an appropriate way to discipline toddlers, always put your child in one without anger. If the behavior persists, you can take away privileges or use other discipline techniques.
• If your child calms down and the behavior improves, don't make a point of recounting the bad behavior or discussing the problem in detail. (They're only 2, after all.) Instead, praise the good behavior—not with gifts but with words and affection.

When to Seek Outside Help for Terrible Twos

While most "terrible twos" behavior is normal and something your child will outgrow, there are some behaviors that warrant outside help. "If you feel your child's behavior is escalating to include potentially dangerous behaviors, such as head-banging, hurting siblings, or property destruction, it is essential to loop in your child's pediatrician," says Dr. Weber.

There is also some research that suggests that toddlers with language delays may have more tantrums and other outwardly aggressive behavior because they are frustrated trying to communicate.

Keeping up with your child's regular well-child checkups can help identify if there are any delays that need addressing, but you can also talk to your child's pediatrician if you have any concerns about your toddler's behavior or if you suspect any delays. A doctor may recommend a therapist, neurologist, developmental pediatrician, or other specialists as needed.