How to Discipline a Toddler

As many parenting experts explain it, discipline is about setting limits and expectations for your child. Enforcing rules consistently tells your child what is acceptable or not. Whether it's stopping your little one from engaging in behavior that's aggressive (hitting and biting), dangerous (running out in the street), or inappropriate (throwing food or being unkind or rude), discipline gives them a framework for being a good citizen.

The keys to making discipline effective are consistency and following through with age-appropriate consequences when they break the rules. These proven discipline tactics are all about "being a good boss," explains Linda Pearson, a Denver-based psychiatric nurse practitioner specializing in family and parent counseling.

Children aren't born with social skills, so you need to teach them about appropriate behaviors when they're young. This means starting with age-appropriate discipline in toddlerhood. The rules and consequences you implement now will stick with them throughout childhood and adulthood. Here are 23 expert-approved tips on discipline for toddlers.

Expect Rough Spots

Some children act out when they're hungry, overtired, overwhelmed, or frustrated from being cooped up inside, says Harvey Karp, MD, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block. It's also key to remember that it's very normal (and developmentally appropriate!) for young kids to test limits. Certain situations and times of day might also trigger less-than-ideal behavior.

One of the biggest culprits is transitioning from one activity to the next (such as waking up, going to bed, stopping play to eat dinner). Give your child a heads-up so they're more prepared to switch gears ("After you build one more block tower, we will be having dinner"). Allowing more time between and during activities helps, too, as rushing tends to beget behavior issues.

Pick Your Battles

If you say "no" 20 times per day, it will lose its effectiveness. Separate bad behaviors into high, medium, and low priority—and expend most of your energy on the worst offenders. If you ignore a minor infraction (like your toddler screaming whenever you check your email), they'll eventually stop doing it because they'll see that it doesn't get a rise out of you. The key is not rewarding their misbehavior with your attention.

"If you're always saying, 'No, no, no,' your child will tune out the no and won't understand your priorities," explains Pearson, author of The Discipline Miracle. Define what's important to you, set limits accordingly, and follow through with appropriate consequences. Then ease up on little things that are annoying but otherwise fall into the "who cares?" category, such as the habits your child is likely to outgrow, like insisting on wearing purple (and only purple).

Implement Preventive Measures

Some misbehavior is preventable—as long as you can anticipate what may spark it and you create a game plan in advance. Moving your expensive jewelry from the nightstand, for example, will eliminate the temptation to play with it. Along those same lines, go to a restaurant early, so your family doesn't need to wait for a table and aim to order promptly so the food will come right away.

If your 18-month-old is prone to grabbing cans off grocery store shelves, bring toys for them to play with in the cart while you're shopping. Simple drawing supplies, a container of play dough, or a few board books can also keep a child occupied—and behaving appropriately.

Keep Commands Short and Sweet

Keep directions simple, and don't over-explain. As a discipline strategy, over-talking is as ineffective as becoming overly emotional, according to William Coleman, MD, a former professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina Medical School in Chapel Hill.

While an 18-month-old lacks the cognitive ability to understand complex sentences, a 2- or 3-year-old with more developed language skills still lacks the attention span to absorb what you're saying. Instead, try speaking in brief phrases, such as "No hitting." This is much more effective than long explanations ("Honey, you know it's not nice to hit the dog. We shouldn't be doing that.")

Stay Consistent

Make your rules and expectations reliable so kids know what they can and can't do. "Between the ages of 2 and 3, children are working hard to understand how their behavior impacts the people around them," says Claire Lerner, LCSW, director of parenting resources with Zero to Three, a national nonprofit promoting the healthy development of babies and toddlers.

"If your reaction to a situation keeps changing—one day you let your son throw a ball in the house and the next you don't—you'll confuse him with mixed signals," she adds. Consistency is the key.

There's no timetable for how many incidents and reprimands it will take before your child stops a specific behavior. But if you always respond the same way, they'll probably learn their lesson after a handful of times, with different kids needing more or less prompting and reminders until the misbehavior disappears and the behavior you want becomes habitual.

Distract and Redirect

Parents distract and redirect their toddlers all day long, but the key is sticking with it. Even if your child unrolls the entire toilet paper roll for the tenth time in one day, calmly remove them from the bathroom and close the door. Eventually, they'll forget about it!

Introduce Consequences

Your toddler should learn the natural outcomes of their behavior—otherwise known as cause and effect. For example, if they loudly insist on selecting their pajamas (which takes an eternity), then they're also choosing not to read books before bed. In this scenario, the cause is prolonged PJ picking, and the effect is no time for a bedtime story. Next time, they may choose their pajamas more quickly or let you pick them out.

Don't Back Down To Avoid Conflict

We all hate to be the party pooper, but if you're trying to learn how best to discipline a toddler, you shouldn't succumb to negative behavior. Say your child is insisting on buying the sugary cereal they saw on TV. In this case, it's best to stick to your guns (even if you risk a showdown at the grocery store)—you'll be glad you did later!

If you give in after prolonged whining or a tantrum, your child will think that's an effective way to get what they want.

Offer Alternative Solutions

When you want your child to stop doing something, offer alternative ways for them to express their feelings (say, hitting a pillow or banging with a toy hammer). They need to learn that while their emotions and even impulses are acceptable, certain ways of expressing them are not.

Focus on the Behavior

Separate the misbehavior from the child. Always say that a particular behavior is bad or unacceptable. Never tell your child that they are bad. You want them to know that you always love them, but you don't love the way they're acting right now.

Give Your Child Choices

If you routinely give your child choices, they'll feel like they have a vote. Just make sure you limit their options (try sticking to two at first) and that they're all productive and acceptable, such as, "It's your choice: You can put your shoes on first or your coat." Other examples include letting them pick between having a banana or an apple and holding your hand while you walk together or being carried.

Don't Yell

Sure, it's hard to stay calm when your 18-month-old yanks the dog's tail or your 3-year-old refuses to brush their teeth for the gazillionth night in a row. But if you scream in anger, the message you're trying to send will get lost, and the situation will escalate quickly. If you yell when upset, they will, too. What's more, studies have shown that yelling is comparable to physical punishment and can lead to childhood conduct problems and depression.

"When a child is flooded with a parent's negative mood, [they'll] see the emotion and won't hear what you're saying," advised Dr. Coleman. Indeed, an angry reaction will only enhance the entertainment value for your child or scare them, so resist the urge to raise your voice. Take a deep breath, count to three, and get down to your child's eye level. Be fast and firm, kind and stern when you deliver the reprimand.

Catch Your Child Being Good

If you praise your child when they behave well, they'll do it more often—and they'll be less likely to act out to get your attention. Positive reinforcement does wonders for promoting good conduct. Remember, too, that you can praise their efforts even if the end result isn't perfect. So, let them know you noticed that they waited politely at the doctor's office for 10 minutes before getting antsy, or they spilled their drink but helped to clean it up.

Keeping the praise focused on behaviors and actions instead of personality traits or characteristics may help your child in the long run, according to science. Research has shown that when kids are praised for the characteristics that make them who they are, they attach feelings of shame when they fail at something. Instead, praise your child's efforts, even if they don't succeed at a given task.

Respond Immediately

Don't wait until later to discipline your toddler. They won't remember why they're in trouble more than five minutes after they did the dirty deed. Plus, acting quickly helps to shift the dynamic, letting you both reset in a more positive direction.

Be a Good Role Model

If you act calmly under pressure, your child will take the cue. If you have a temper tantrum when you're upset, expect that they'll do the same. Young children tend to mimic the behavior of their parents, so it's vital to model the behavior you want to see rather than being reactive.

However, if you do overreact, you can also model how to make amends by apologizing. Then, simply start again by telling them what you expect and follow through with consequences as needed.

Don't Treat Your Child Like an Adult

Your toddler really doesn't want to hear a lecture from you. And they won't be able to understand it, anyway. The next time they throw their spaghetti, don't break into the "You Can't Throw Your Food" lecture. Instead, try calmly removing them from the table for the night.

You also don't need to negotiate or explain your decisions or rules in great detail. Instead, just state the rule, such as "no playing with food" or "no throwing." If needed, you can offer a brief reason why the behavior is not acceptable, such as because "it makes a mess" or "someone could get hurt," and leave it at that.

Hear Your Child Out

Kids feel better when they know they have been heard and empathized with, so whenever possible, narrate your child's concerns and validate their feelings. If they're whining in the grocery store because you won't let them open the cookies, say something like: "It sounds like you're mad at me because I won't let you open the cookies until we get home. You want the cookies now, and it's hard to wait. The store won't let us open things until they're paid for. That's the rule." This may not satisfy their urge, but it may reduce their anger and defuse the conflict.

Make sure to give space for your child's feelings, while also sticking to your boundaries. Essentially, the misbehavior is the problem, not their emotions. So, you can say, "I hear that you're disappointed or sad, but we can not scream in the grocery store."

Teach Empathy

It's rarely obvious to a 3-year-old why they should stop doing something like biting, hitting, or grabbing toys from other children. Teach them empathy instead: "When you bite or hit people, it hurts them" or "When you grab toys away from other kids, they feel sad because they still want to play with those toys." This helps your child see that their behavior directly affects other people and trains them to think about consequences first.

Use Time-Outs Wisely

When figuring out how to discipline a toddler who repeatedly engages in unsafe behaviors, parents often try the time-out, and with good reason: Removing them from the situation and depriving them of positive reinforcement like your attention can be an effective way to get your message across. "This is an excellent discipline tool for kids who are doing the big-time no-nos," Dr. Karp explains.

Experts recommend using time-outs sparingly and limiting them to one minute for each year of age. Realistically, kids under 2 won't sit in a corner or on a chair—and it's fine for them to be on the floor kicking and screaming. Just make sure the time-out location is a safe one. Reserve time-outs for particularly inappropriate or unsafe behaviors (if your child bites their friend's arm, for example) and use a time-out every time the offense occurs.

Don't Make Deals or Promises

Positive behavior can be praised but be wary of always offering a reward to gain compliance. Try to avoid saying anything like, "If you behave, I'll buy you that doll you want." Otherwise, you'll create a 2-year-old whose good behavior will always come with a price tag.

Shift Your Strategies Over Time

One of the challenges of parenting is that just when you think you're getting the hang of it, your child's needs or stage changes. What worked beautifully when your child was 15 months probably isn't going to work when they're 2. Embrace flexibility—and accept that you'll likely need to adjust your discipline strategies as your child grows.

Don't Spank

Although it's easy to become reactive and feel tempted to punish your child physically, remember that you're the grown-up. Studies have shown that spanking and other forms of physical punishment have lifelong, negative consequences for a child, including altering their brains to have an "increased perception of threats."

There are many more effective ways of getting your message across than spanking or screaming. If your toddler is pushing your buttons for the umpteenth time, try to take a step back to gain a fresh perspective on how to change your approach without instilling pain or fear.

Remind Your Child That You Love Them

It's always smart to end a disciplinary discussion with a positive comment or a hug. This shows your child that you're ready to move on and are not dwelling on the problem. It also reinforces that you're setting limits because you love them.

Remember: "Keeping a good relationship with your child—who is of course in reality totally dependent upon you—is more important for her growth than trying to force her to respond in ways that she simply is not going to respond," says Elizabeth Berger, MD, child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids With Character.

Partially adapted from Toddler 411: Clear Answers & Smart Advice For Your Toddler, by Ari Brown, MD, and Denise Fields. For more information, go to toddler411.com.