7 Ways To Fix Unkind Behavior in Kids

Cookies and milk. Bert and Ernie. Discipline and…kindness? That last pairing may sound less natural, but the two actually go hand in hand.

"The word discipline comes from the Latin word for 'instruction,'" says Thomas Lickona, PhD, a developmental psychologist and author of How to Raise Kind Kids. "In a character-based approach to parenting, discipline is used to teach habits like kindness and respect." To be truly effective, it takes a multipronged plan with consequences that differ from the same old time-outs and talking-tos.

As with any habit, consistency and lots of practice are the main tricks for success. Here are seven ways that you can help kids learn to be kind and "fix" unkind behavior.

1. Set Clear Expectations

It's not so much about laying ground rules as creating a mission statement that establishes kindness as a non-negotiable part of your family's ethos. "Talk about what you stand for," says Michele Borba, EdD, author of Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. You can even create a cute motto like "We're the Caring Carlsons!"

It may help to give your kids clear examples of what you mean by kindness. For instance, if your kids are struggling with bickering, you can sit them down and explain that respectfully listening to one another is an example of a simple act of kindness that your family will work on.

A few examples of family expectations could be:

• We do not use hurtful language such as name-calling.
• We use polite manners such as saying "please" and "thank you."
• We do not take out our negative moods on other people.

2. Reinforce Your Family Values

Look for opportunities to discuss that ethos by pointing out scenarios in movies, books, and real life. If one cartoon character hurts another, discuss the implications and why it's unacceptable. (The kids may not love the interruption, but trust that they hear you.)

Be sure to practice what you preach. If you sing the praises of altruism but then Hulk out at anyone who cuts the carpool line, your kids will likely not put your lessons into action.

Similarly, when you catch your kids demonstrating kindness, offer up praise to help reinforce your values. It could be a simple high-five, hug, or even a quick chat to tell your child why you're proud of their behavior. Praising effort rather than outcomes is proven to motivate kids.

3. Tackle Infractions

With a solid framework in place, you're armed to correct missteps. Whether your child mistreats you, a sibling, a peer, or the family pet, address the behavior swiftly and definitively. Use calm language; harsh words and actions are hurtful and don't work to correct bad behavior.

"Use a strong, firm, non-yelling statement that spells out what went wrong," Dr. Borba explains. "Say, 'That was unkind. You just pulled your friend's hair. How do you think they feel? How would you feel if that happened to you?'"

4. Appeal to Their Empathy

Even as kids mature and unkind behavior becomes more verbal and less physical, explaining that they've hurt someone is still your best move. "Most kids don't set out to do harm," says J. Kiley Hamlin, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia who studies child behavior. "If they're able to grasp what they're doing to the other person, the cost becomes greater than the benefit to them."

Modeling the behavior you want to see in your kids means watching your language, too. Be mindful of what you say and how you speak about others. For example, it is super easy to insult another driver in traffic or call a celebrity or politician an unkind word. But with little ears picking up everything you say, speaking in the manner you wish your child to speak becomes even more important.

5. Help Them Make Amends

Of course, acknowledgment isn't enough; restitution is also in order. "Kids need to learn that when they do something wrong, they do something to make up for it," Dr. Lickona says. Some ideas to help kids make amends:

• Say sorry right away: "First, they should apologize, then ask, 'What can I do to make it better?'" suggests Dr. Lickona.
• Consider a meaningful reparation: For example, they could write an "I'm sorry" card or use allowance money to replace a smashed toy.
• Try a redo: Whether in the moment or role play later on, challenge your child to practice a different, kinder approach. Say, "Can you please try that again in a kinder, more respectful way?"

6. Enforce Consequences

Depending on the seriousness of the incident, additional discipline in the form of consequences may be required to send the message that unkind behavior is not acceptable. Be sure to enforce consequences in a meaningful way:

• Make the consequence relevant to the situation: Avoid the impulse to leverage whatever they hold dear, like screen time or dessert, in favor of a response that's relevant to the situation. For instance, if your child pushed their younger sibling off a bike, then it makes sense for their own wheels to be taken away. Inflicting an unrelated punishment, like taking away video games, is just arbitrary.
• Keep things in proportion: The punishment should fit the crime, so to speak. "The consequence should be relevant in both kind and strength," Dr. Hamlin cautions. "If it's unfair, random, or unnecessarily punitive, it could backfire."
• Proceed calmly: Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it helps if the parents step back and take a deep breath, too. You won't be able to calmly and fairly dole out a consequence if you feel angry. Besides, if you angrily declare no dessert ever again or that you're taking away screentime for a week, you might be teaching your child that punishment is an act of anger and not a well-thought-out consequence.

7. Tell Them They're Good

No matter what, keep reiterating how kindhearted your kids are, even in the bleakest moments. Trust that positive reinforcement will sink in. "Tell them, 'You are a kind person, and that wasn't kind,'" Dr. Borba says. "Ultimately, kids will act the way they see themselves to be."

Someone once said that the words we use to talk to children can become the words of their inner worlds—that little voice in their heads. Take every opportunity to tell your kids that they are good people and that you notice and appreciate their efforts to be kind.