What to Do When Your Teen Sneaks Out of the House

Sneaking out of your parent's house as a teenager isn't just something that you see them do in the movies—in fact many parents might have their own epic memories of the shenanigans they got into after sneaking out. But that doesn't mean its always safe—in fact, teens should be actively discouraged from ever sneaking out of the house.

If you catch your teenager tiptoeing out the door or shimmying down the trellis well past curfew, you might be upset or even angry, even if you remember doing the same. Sneaking out may be a particularly powerful teenage pastime, but there should be rules against it in your house. But it's a difficult balance to achieve, because sometimes super strict parents can make their kids even more rebellious.

So, how can you prevent your kids from sneaking out? And what should the consequences be if they do it?

Why Teens Sneak Out

At some point, many teens are faced with the temptation to sneak out with their friends. Regardless of whether they intend to get together for harmless fun (as in just enjoying the thrill of hanging out when they're supposed to be home) or to engage in more dangerous activities (such as drugs, alcohol, sex, or reckless driving), sneaking out is unsafe, a violation of parental trust, and generally a recipe for trouble.

As the parent of a teen, it’s your job to protect your child from dangerous activities, and unhealthy relationships, and to help them make informed, smart choices. You can't (and shouldn't) always prevent them from making mistakes, but you can preemptively discuss this risky behavior with your child, explain why they shouldn't do it, and clearly spell out what the consequences will be if they do.

Prevent Your Teen From Sneaking Out

There are several things you can do to reduce the chances your teen will climb out of their window or walk out the front door in the middle of the night. Make it clear to your teen that sneaking out isn’t just a harmless prank—it can lead to serious trouble. Explain that you have rules against sneaking out, and that your teen will be disciplined if they sneak out—that might look like taking away electronics or preventing them attending social activities with friends in the future.

Acknowledge the temptation, however. Say something like, "Your friends might invite you to get together in the middle of the night and I know that sounds like fun. But it's a poor choice." Remember that teens tend to engage in risk-taking behavior even when they know it could be harmful when they are influenced by their peer group. Here are a few ways to reduce the likelihood that your teen will sneak out:

• Connect in meaningful ways. Many teens who engage in negative behaviors, such as sneaking out, do so because being with their friends is more exciting than being at home. Try to have fun with your teen and connect in ways that matter to them.
• Discuss the risks involved in sneaking out. Teens tend to think they’re invincible. Point out specific safety issues in your neighborhood. Share crime statistics and talk about the bad things that could happen in the middle of the night—or any time of day. For example, motor vehicle fatalities and other accidents are the leading cause of death for teens age 15-19.
• Don’t allow your teen to sleep with electronics. At bedtime, place your teen’s phone, laptop, and other electronics in a secure location outside of their bedroom. If your teen can't receive a message from their friends in the middle of the night, they'll be far less likely to be tempted to sneak out.
• Emphasize that your role is to keep your teen safe. Executive functioning in the human brain, which regulates our ability to make good decisions, isn’t fully developed until the mid-20s. Make it clear to your teen that your rules are meant to help them make good decisions in the meantime.
• Talk about peer pressure. Give your teen the tools they need to resist peer pressure. Try not to put all the blame on their friends—a midnight rendezvous could be your child's idea, too.

Consequences for Sneaking Out

If you catch your teen sneaking out once, follow through with consequences that will help them think twice about sneaking out again. Making threats but not following through on consequences could cause this behavior to repeat. Possible negative consequences may include:

• Additional responsibilities, like extra chores to your teen’s to-do list.
• Grounding your teen from social activities for a specified period of time. 
• Restricting your teen’s privileges, such as taking away electronics or access to the car. 

Make sure the time frame of the consequences is clear. For example, take away privileges for two weeks or until your teen has completed their extra responsibilities. Avoid vague end-dates, such as “until I can trust you again.”

Make it clear that lying to their parents and sneaking out breaks your trust. And, as a result, you'll be less likely to grant them permission to do activities in the future if you can't trust that they're going to tell the truth and be where they say they are. 

Create a Contract

A clear behavior contract can reduce your teen's temptation to sneak out. Involve your teen in establishing the terms of the contract. Include the following information:

• Cellphone expectations: For example, you could require your child to always answer your calls and texts. Stipulate consequences (such as losing phone privileges) for not responding. Or, you could have your child share their location electronically with you so that you can always track where they are.
• Driving privileges: If your child drives (or gets rides with friends who drive), make using the car contingent on abiding by the contract's rules.
• Emphasize safety: Make sure your child knows that your aim is to keep them safe, not to eliminate fun or time with friends. Provide plenty of ways for them to socialize with appropriate supervision. Emphasize that if they show responsibility, they can earn more independence and privacy. Reinforce the message that good behavior will be rewarded.
• The hours you expect your teen to be at home: Establish a curfew for school days and non-school days. Plus, include rules around keeping you informed about where they are and with whom whenever they're not home.
• The negative consequences of breaking the contract: If your teen misses a curfew, sneaks out in the middle of the night, or breaks another part of the contract, outline the consequences they can expect.
• The positive consequences of following the contract: If you caught your teen sneaking out once, it makes sense to create an earlier curfew for a while. If your teen is able to abide by the contract for a specified period of time—perhaps one month—agree to make the curfew 30 minutes later.

Invite your child's feedback on the contract rules. Be willing to listen to your teen’s opinions. Talk about their concerns and give them an opportunity to ask questions and provide ideas that you can all agree on. Insist that they participate respectfully. Ask your teen to sign the contract to ensure they understand the parameters and to make it more "real."